She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Randomize
