You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Randomize
