My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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