Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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