Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
