But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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