was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
