Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
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It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
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Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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