I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
