Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
