Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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