Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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