you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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