I haven't been this sober since birth.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Randomize
