Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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