I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize