Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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