Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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