i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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