I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
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