im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
