Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
