Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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