yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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