She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I will die if light touches me.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Randomize
