Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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