I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
