i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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