Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
