I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
