I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
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i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
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I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize