My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
