The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
