woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
