I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Randomize
