dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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