she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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