Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
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