I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
