Cold hands, warm shart.
I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
