my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.Â
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Randomize
