I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
