How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
