Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
