the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
