We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
