Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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