he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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