Ambien. No doubt about it.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
