Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
