so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
