Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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