i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
