Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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