I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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