have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
