I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
