the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
there is glitter all over my balls
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
