nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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